For the good of us both, Samwise Gamgee
by That Kid With the Long Coat
Summary: But I stopped, and drew back, and I could almost see the reflection of my eyes in his saying, "I love you, Samwise Gamgee, which is why I have to let you go..." "Goodbye, Samwise Gamgee, I love you, and so I must go..."


Amazing the inspiration you get in Math...

**Title:** For the good of us both, Samwise Gamgee.  
><strong>Words<strong>: 1, 311  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T, for the simple reason it pretty much screams slash. Not dirty slash, but **unrequitted slash love**.  
><strong>Summary:<strong> But I stopped, and drew back, and I could almost see the reflection of my eyes in his saying, "I love you, Samwise Gamgee, which is why I have to let you go..." "_Goodbye, Samwise Gamgee, I love you, and so I must go_..."  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> Everything recognizable is not mine, but belongs to Tolkein. Most of my info came from the movies, as I love them so. I came up with the idea, whether it's been used before, I don't know. But I like it.

* * *

><p>I remember three things very clearly from the ordeal with the Ring.<p>

The first is Sam asking if I remembered the Shire. That I remember very vididly...

_"Do you remember the Shire, Mr. Frodo? It'll be spring soon. And the orchards will be in blossom. And the birds will be nesting in the hazel thicket. And they'll be sowing the summer barley in the lower fields... and eating the first of the strawberries with cream. Do you remember the taste of strawberries?"_

Sam had given me a look resembling that of a kicked pup. At first I didn't know how to respond, for as hard as I thought, the comforting memories of home simply weren't there. But Samwise had gazed at me with those large green eyes of his, begging for an answer.

So I had given him one.

_"No, Sam. I can't recall the taste of food... Nor the sound of wood or touch of grass... I'm naked in the dark, with nothing. No veil between me and the ring of fire. I can see him with my waking eyes!"_

And once more, when I had given up all hope, given it to that _damned_ Ring, Samwise Gamgee, my best friend, found the resolve to keep going. I remember the extreme vigor Sam had when he swept me over his shoulder and started up Mount Doom.

_I never would have been able to do it on my own._

Which brings me to the second. The second thing I remember very clearly is just how fast I had fallen for Sam. How quickly the bond between us grew ever stronger, how it seemed he would do anything for me, how he held me so highly above himself. It was flattering, yet saddening to think if my best friend held me so highly - _me_ of _all_ people with all I had done - even at my worst, how low he had to think of himself. Yet this also attracted me to him. How he would do anything for anyone, especially me, and tried so hard to help me when he clearly deserved to walk away. He stood by me, was always on my side. There was always something special about Samwise Gamgee, from the very beginning.

And it was Sam who had helped me destroy the ring. I remember exactly the events that happened after the ring melted away and sank into the molten rock below.

All of my dark thoughts had been lifted, and with them the weight of the world. Everything came flooding back.

_"I can see the Shire. The Brandywine River. Bag End. The Lights in the Party Tree."_

Including my feelings for Samwise. One look at him and my heart burned and ached.

But then-

_"Rosie Cotton dancing. She had ribbons in her hair. If ever I were to marry someone, it would have been her. It would have been her..." _And he broke down and began to cry.

In that instant my world crashed around me with a sudden realization.

For Sam, though, I pulled on a sympathetic face and drew him into what I hoped what was a comforting hug.

_"I'm glad to be with you, Samwise Gamgee, here at the end of all things."_

And I was glad he was with me. Yet, I was also filled with sadness.

Because, deep in my heart, I knew that if I wanted, _truly wanted_, Samwise to be happy, I couldn't focus on my own selfish wants.

I had to let him go, though my _heart_ **ached**, and my _throat_ **tightened**, painfully so.

I had to, and I _could_, and I _would_.

Anything for _Him_.

But I _couldn't stay behind_ to watch as someone else made him happy. I wouldn't be able to _watch_ as he kindled a relationship with Rosie. I refused to go back to the Shire if it meant I had to spend the rest of my days on the outside looking in, _wishing_ I were in her place, but _knowing_ I couldn't be. I wouldn't last. _I couldn't_.

So I would go as well.

I would go to the Undying Lands with the elves, leaving Sam safely behind. Afterall, he deserves better, much better, and much more than I can give him.

But, as things worked out, I did go back to the Shire. And there I waited, spending endless days writing, or hiding at the Green Dragon, drinking my fill of ale before stumbling home. But, after Sam and Rosie's first child was born, I made a firm resolve to finally leave. I had tried to be stong, I had tried to be there for Sam as he had for me, but I found I could no longer do it. The burden was just too much to bear.

And so I prepared to leave. Merry, Pippin and Sam,  
>(<em>oh, dear, sweet, sam<em>)  
>were there. I could feel myself crumbling, <em>maybe I could change things, maybe I could make Sam see how much I loved him<em>, but I had a resolve. I had to leave.

_For my good and his.  
><em>(_must go, should go, would go_)

I embraced Merry, and then Pippin, saving _Him_ for last.

And Sam,  
>(<em>my sam<em>)  
>met me, with tears in his eyes, and we wrapped each other in our arms tight, and I wanted so much more, to take it, and to give.<p>

Echoes of his words  
>(<em>you can't leave<em>)  
>still rang in my ears.<p>

But I _would not_, and I _could not_, and I _did not_.

But there was something more I needed, at the very least.

And so, cupping his beautiful face in my hands, I lowered his head to press my lips against soft golden curls. Tears formed in my eyes, but I forced them back harshly. And he didn't move an inch and I knew he wanted me to stay, and I shouldn't go.

But I stopped and I drew back, and I could almost see the reflection of my eyes in his saying  
>(<em>I love you samwise gamgee, which is why I have to let you go<em>).

And he held my wrists for a moment longer, _still pleading_, silently hoping, but also** knowing** I couldn't turn back now, before he melted away, and, suddenly, I was on the boat. And I forced a smile upon my lips to tell them  
>(<em>to tell him<em>)  
>it was going to be okay.<p>

It _should be_, it _must be_, it _had to be_.

I wasn't exactly sure who really needed the assurance. **Them** or _me_.

And, as we left, I heard myself utter, with no consent on my part,  
>(<em>goodbye, samwise gamgee, I love you, and so I must go...<em>)

_So I must go..._ _For the good of us **both**..._


End file.
